Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Divine Contradiction

Not as divine as we all thought, one afternoon God fell to drinking. He had been a rigid abstainer for the past eternity but something, He felt, had changed. Something about the universe seemed different. There was something down on earth that they called postmodernism. It didn't so much feel like an affront on religion as many past movement had been. No, God had been reading some of these confusing postmodern texts. God felt as though His creation had produced something alien. He wondered, indeed, if these philosophers were not the spawn of some other deity. But of course not, He told Himself, I'm omniscient aren't I? I would know about that. Nonetheless, postmodernism was unnerving. These philosophers were not worshiping false Gods, they were affirming the omniprescence of contradiction, they were denying the possibility of truth... the enlightenment was falling apart but the secular were not returning to pious worship of mysterious symbols. Not quite. Those that did a lot of thinking, these philosophers, were discovering chaos, confusion, and uncertainty where before everyone had been certain that truth was hiding somewhere, the scientists would find it. No longer. It wasn't that science had died, far from it. It was philosophy that was dead or dying. Philosophy as the practice of seeking truths, arriving at truths, was being left behind, discredited. Philosophy was about ... what was it about? That was moot. But one thing was certain, and that, unfortunatly, was uncertainty.

So God, having noticed this with increasing alarm, decided that something must be done. But rather than conduct a miracle, God thought He might join in. He wasn't so sure He knew everything after all. For example, what would happen if He had some alcohol? He didn't know. There was no one to ask, no one knew more than Him about the universe but there were no clues as to what might transpire if a God became drunk. Moreover, was it a sin if He had a drink? He'd never considered such a thing posssible. The logic was becoming rather foggy here and He was beginning to sympathise more and more with this postmodernism malarkey. Contradictions were cropping up everywhere, why had He not noticed before? For example, His ignorance of the effects of alcohol on His transcendent body, despite His being omniscient, that was a contradiction wasn't it? An ignorant omniscient? He wasn't even sure.

So it didn't seem completely insane to try a drop of alcohol now, to partake in a bit of this confusion and perhaps maybe even understand it a little, if that made sense. Chosing at random He poured Himself a glass of sherry. It seemed to emanate a certain majesty that was fitting considering His presidency of the universe. Without much trepidation He raised the glass to His lips and took a sip. Its sharp bitterness was an unfriendly element in His mouth and He frowned thoughtfully. As the initial tang wore off and the drug hit home God leant back in His chair. There was something cathartic about this unpleasant liquid. Despite the taste He could see the appeal. Engaging so tangibly in a contradiction, as He felt He was, His thoughts turned again to the philosophers. The possible enormity of what He was doing did not seem to worry Him. Perhaps this was a new era. The paradox was no longer a freak accident, a bearded lady or two headed featus. No. The paradox had become a fashionable object. A kind of monacle through which to squint at existence. And who was to tell God that He couldn't have a go with this monacle?

Taking another sip of sherry, God looked down on the world from heaven and suddenly felt old. This alcoholic excursion... was it foolish? Was He like the middle aged parent who learns some slang to impress the children? This possibility depressed Him and, somewhat carelessly, He drained the glass. As it burned down His throat He inhaled sharply and found Himself murmuring "No one else will know anyway. I'll just have a few drinks and stay out of the way for the evening. What harm can it really do?" A questioning look appeared on His ancient face and He seemed to be asking himself something. "Why have I started thinking aloud?" He continued, "I suppose it must be something to do with this sherry. I better have some more... to be.... to be sure."

No comments: