I needed a shave. But first, I needed to scratch my balls. That done, I shaved. Why can’t everyone else’s life be so epic? Sometimes I marvel as my own inexorable heroics.
Is it possible to think sideways? I think it is. I had to think sideways to come to that conclusion. You might say it proved itself. How might we investigate this neo-angular thought? Well, this writer suggests we begin by viewing it side-on, since Rome wasn’t built in a vacuum; it rests on the shoulders of Thai ants...

I had planned on writing a parody of the book I spent all day reading (Moral Philosophers and the Novel by Peter Johnson, one of my lecturers) but no one that will conceivably read this will have ever had the displeasure of wasting their eyes on it. Horrifically dull and conceited, not to mention unclear, the book spends the largest part of its pages on name dropping and quoting literary greats, perhaps in the hope that the author might become one. This endeavour is yet more evidently pursued when one catches the author indulging in gut wrenchingly inelegant metaphors which achieve only a thickening of the pea-soup smog that the author weaves like an over eager God throughout his creation. It appears his cloying style has rubbed off on me. This is no doubt the sorry consequence of my having used a number of my hours today harming my education with his retrograde jumble of words. At best this book is a neighbours dog turd in the garden of literary philosophy, the kind that you accidentally step in barefoot when you wonder out in the dewy grass at midnight in the summer.

And now, a musteline interlude:

“Weasels possess an active, courageous, and bloodthirsty disposition. They are voracious predators and generally hunt alone and at night, feeding principally on mice, rats, and other rodents, as well as on fish, frogs, and birds' eggs. Weasels are valuable rodent controls and can pursue their prey through holes and crevices, under dense herbage, up trees, or into water. [In other words they are fucking hardcore].” Britannica Encyclopaedia.